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Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
i-EWis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all fovir 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks- she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW^ HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the^ "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
fernales. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 
15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



A Royal Initiation 

A Mock Degree in One Act 



By 
A. E. POOLE 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1915 



^^^\<\'\'' 

''^A 



Copyright 191 5 by The Penn Publishing Company 



TMP96-006393 

A Royal Initiation JUL 27 1915 

©CID 41325 



A Royal Initiation 



CHARACTERS 

The King ..... presiding officer 
Honorable Prime Minister and 

Royal Surgeon .... second officer 
Prince of Jolliers ..... third officer 
Honorable Supreme Secretary. 

Honorable Supreme Treasurer . . the general 

collector of graft 
Lord High Executioner . . errand boy and guide 
Candidate .... applicant for membership 
Guards y other members^ etc., as desired. 

Time : Fifty minutes. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

An entertainment for an all-male cast which is just what 
men's and boys' clubs everywhere are looking for, full of 
*' freak" characters and catchy "stunts." Jokes, quick 
answers and snappy replies follow in quick succession, 
while the unhappy candidate is being put through his paces 
as a prospective member of the Kingdom of Punk. A 
farce full of laughter and action all the way through. 

COSTUMES, ETC. 

King. A gilt crown, a long royal robe, as grotesque as 
possible. 

Lord High Executioner. Clown costume with police- 
man's helmet ; carries an axe and shotgun. 

Candidate. Any freak costume under a sheet and 
paper mask. 

The remaining members of the lodge are dressed in any 
grotesque court costume. 



PROPERTIES 

King. Gavel, scrolls for administering the oath and for 
the lecture, on the table in front of him. 

Lord High Executioner. Cotton in his pocket, cork- 
screw, six blovvn-up paper bags labeled "Wind," feather 
duster hanging on nail near door l., axe, pop-gun, two-quart 
basin, bag for cat. 

Prince of Jolliers. Can-opener, large pasteboard can 
with a red tomato painted on it, match-box, trick flash lamp 
from which snake springs. 

Honorable Prime Minister. Crowbar, wrapped up, 
oculist's test card, dollar bill, toy horn, clove, piece of 
cheese. 

Honorable Supreme Secretary. Package labeled 
*' Dynamite," scroll for report, application blank. 

Honorable Supreme Treasurer. Package marked 
*' Yeast," electric bulb in bag. 

Candidate. A piece of coiled up wire taken from the 
inside of a curtain rod. 

A live goat if possible, or a caricature goat on wheels, 
with sign on each side, ''Hercules, the strongest goat in 
captivity," lantern attached to tail. (This goat may be 
omitted if necessary, but the effect is greatly heightened 
if one is secured.) Signs for each officer (see text of play), 
ballot-box and toy blocks for cubes on the table l. c. ; hat, 
shoes, coat, vest, bent hoop for tooth, false hair, pill-box 
and collar from the candidate ; tongs for guards ; big stick 
leaning diagonally against the door l., to keep it shut. 



SCENE PLOT 




\z) 




\_J Doorj 



SCENE.— A meeting of the Royal Court of Punk. 
Doors L. and up l. c, table l. c, chairs extending in a 
row from up c. to down R., center chair, on a platform and 
draped, for the King. In front of this is a small table. 



A Royal Initiation 



SCENE. — A meeting of the Royal Court of Pmik. Enter 
all the character Sy l., in order listed, Candidate blind- 
folded ; march down c. and around the stage. On second 
time around all take their respective seats {see Scene Flot)^ 
except the Lord High Executioner, who continues to 
the door,.!.., ivith Candidate, puts him out and crosses 
R. to right of King. 

{At the rap of the gavel all sit, except the Lord High 
Executioner. General disturbance caused by the Hon- 
orable Prime Minister and the Prince of Jolliers 
sitting down on ^^ tacks. ''^ 

King (rising haughtily). Why this unseemly disturb- 
ance ? 

H. p. M. I sat on a pin. I think that fresh Executioner 
put it there. 

King. This is serious. Do you feel sure of it in your 
mind ? {^Sits down again slowly.) 

H. P. M. In my mind ? That wasn't where I felt it. 

{Sits down again, carefully brushing chair.) 

P. O. J. {impertine?itly). If the one I sat on was meant 
for a joke, I don't see the pint. 

King. You don't see the pint? Of course not. This 
is a dry town. (Prince of Jolliers is seated, carefully 
brushing chair.) Lord High Executioner, what is your 
standing in this Court of Punk ? 

L. H. E. (comifig out from r. of King and standing 
down c, bowing and scraping). I have to stand almost 
everything, Sire. 

King. Your duties ? 

L. H. E. {rapidly). Chambermaid, errand boy, and 
general utility man about the place ; take in the milk, sweep 



8 A ROYAL INITIATION 

off the front steps and open up in the morning; assist in 
canning the candidates and to wheel out the remains if any 
be left ; swat the flies on the goat and make the fire in the 

absence of {local name), the regular janitor; also 

wind the clock, put out the cat and lock up at night, or 
when so ordered by Your Majesty. 

King. Then get busy and lock up, before the house is 
pinched. First ascertain, however, if all present are feeling 
properly punk. We want even the visitors to be in sym- 
pathy with us. 

L. H. E. {head resti?ig on right hafid, in mock medita- 
tion). ** Sympathy"? I pray thee, Sire, what is sym- 
pathy ? 

King. What is sympathy? {Grandly.) Sympathy is 
a fellow feeling. {Pulls his beard thought/idly.) 

L. H. E. Then the only one who is sympathy is that young 
fellow feeling his moustache. {Points toward audience.) 

King {taking his hand down hastily, 7vith irritation). 
Oh, shut up ! 

L. H. E. Just as soon as I can get to the door, Your 
Majesty. {Rushes l., locks afid braces the door, stuffs cot- 
ton in the keyhole and faces the throne, down l.) The 
palace is duly locked. Sire. 

King. Did you forget to hook the screen door ? 

L. H. E. The screen door has long been hooked. Sire. 

King. How hooked ? 

L. H. E. By some kids, — last Hallowe'en. 

King. Honorable Prime Minister, are you properly 
primed ? 

H. P. M. {rising with a Jerk. In general, members 
rise when spoken to by the King). Well primed. Sire. 

King. How primed ? 

H. P. M. {rapidly). Winchester double barreled, Colt's 
automatic, Iver- Johnson repeater and roast ribs of beef. 

King. What are your duties in this Court of Punk? 

H. P. M. To instruct, insult and intimidate the candi- 
dates, pull all the political wires in the kingdom and eke 
out my scanty income by lecturing on the Chautauqua 
circuit. I also act as Royal Surgeon and remove the 
appendices of the candidates. {Sits.) 

King. Your Royal Highness, Prince of Jolliers, what is 
your rank in the Court of Punk ? 

P. O. J. I am Crown Prince of the kingdom, being the 



A ROYAL INITIATION 9 

eldest son of the King and a son of a G-reat and Glorious 
Queen. 

King. Your duties ? 

P. O. J. Teach, tease, lick, lecture and muss up the 
candidates, and in the absence of the goat to butt in on all 
occasions, also to keep an eye on the Old Man's job. 

King. Honorable Supreme Secretary, what is your 
standing in this Court of Punk ? 

H. S. S. 1 try to stand in with everybody, Sire. 

King. Describe your cinch. 

H. S. S. To attend all court functions in the kingdom, 

also in {local cities^, remaining at the same until the 

street lights go home and they haul in the moon. To write 

up the same for the Police News in the {local paper') ; 

keep the Society Blue Book and write '* stand-off letters " to 
Your Majesty's creditors; — incidentally, to keep an account 
of the regular as well as the irregular doings of the Court of 
Punk, and, in case of trouble, to destroy the evidence. 

King. Honorable Supreme Treasurer and General Col- 
lector of Graft, what is your rank in the Court of Punk ? 

H. S. T. Very rank. Sire, for I handle much tainted 
money. 

King. Explain your little snap. 

H. S. T. To collect the regular percentage of all graft 
operating in the kingdom and an extra percentage for my- 
self when Your Majesty's back is turned. Also to mix 
Your Majesty's iced tea, keep the keys of Your Majesty's 
cellar and anything else that I can get my hands on. 

King. Honorable Prime Minister, with what should a 
lodge of the Court of Punk be opened ? 

H. P. M. With the Proper Implement, Sire. 

King. Have you the Proper Implement ? If so, I 
desire it. 

H. P. M. I have it. Your Majesty, and will deliver it 
into your hands immediately by the Lord High Execu- 
tioner. 

(Lord High Executioner, coming r., takes a package from 
the Honorable Prime Minister, which he presents to 
the King.) 

L. H. E. This, O King, live forever, saith the Honor- 
able Prime Minister, is the Proper Implement with which to 
open a lodge of the Court of Punk. 



10 A ROYAL INITIATION 

(Honorable Prime Minister sits. Lord HigiT Execu- 
tioner goes down L.) 

Y^i^o {opening package). What! He sends me a crow- 
bar with which to open this lodge? {To Honorable 
Prime Minister.) I will settle with you later. 

H. P. M. (aside).' High time he settled with somebody. 

King. Your Royal Highness, Prince of Jolliers, with 
what should a lodge of the Court of Punk be opened ? 

P. O. J. With the Proper Implement, Sire. 

King. Have you the Proper Implement ? If so, I 
desire it. 

P. O. J. I have it. Your Majesty, and will deliver it 
into your hands immediately by the Lord High Execu- 
tioner. 

L. H. E. (going R. and receiving package from the 
Prince of Jolliers, which he hands to the King). This, 
O King, live forever, saith His Royal Highness, the Prince 
of Jolliers, is the Proper Implement with which to open a 
lodge of the Court of Punk. (Moves down l.) 

King. What ! He sends me a can-opener with which 
to open this lodge? The Crown Prince, the son of my 
bosom, is guilty even of Lese Majesty. If my lease had not 
run out, I'd can him. 

P. O. J. Here's the can, pop. 

(Rushes a large pasteboard tomato can up to the throne by 
the Lord High Executioner; quick manoeuvres.) 

King. Honorable Supreme Secretary, with what should 
a lodge of the Court of Punk be opened ? 

H. S. S. With the Proper Implement, Sire. 

King. Have you the Proper Implement ? If so, I de- 
sire it. 

H. S. S. I have it, Your Majesty, and will deliver it 
into your hands immediately by the Lord High Executioner. 

L. H. E. (receiving the package from the Honorable Su- 
preme Secretary which he presents to the King). This, O 
King, live forever, saith the Honorable Supreme Secretary, 
is the Proper Implement with which to open a lodge of the 
Court of Punk. 

King (opening package and looking at it gingerly^ hand- 
ing it to the Lord High Executioner, 7vho receives it fear- 
fully, rolling it from one hand to another, as if it burned 



A ROYAL INITIATION II 

hint). What, — the Honorable Supreme Secretary sends me 
a stick of dynamite with which to open this lodge ? Blast 
him. Take this, Executioner, and — throw it at the Secre- 
tary's head. 

(Lord High Executioner carries package abiiost up to the 
Honorable Supreme Secretary, makes several feints 
with it, which Honorable Supreme Secretary dodgesy 
and fitially throws it to Honorable Supreme Secretary, 
who catches it fieat/y. Lord High Executioner re- 
treats down L.) 

H. S. S. I caught worse than that last morith, when I 
got home from the lodge. 

King. Honorable Supreme Treasurer, with what should 
a lodge of the Court of Punk be opened ? 

H. S. T. With the Proper Implement, Sire. 

King. Have you the Proper Implement ? If so, I de- 
sire it. 

H. S. T. I have it not, Sire. I loaned it to the Lord 
High Executioner a week ago. 

King. Lord High Executioner, with what should a 
lodge of the Court of Punk be opened ? 

L. H. E. With the Proper Implement, Sire. 

King. Have you the Proper Implement? If so, I 
desire it. 

L. H. E. Sure thing, Your Majesty. I always carry 
one, right on my key chain. 

(^Advances and presents cork-screw.') 

King (rising and holding up cork-screw). Right thou 
art, O Lord High Executioner. In this humble instrument 
we have the most sacred symbol of our faith. As the cocks 
crew in the morning to announce the first opening of the 
day, — so this our mystic cork-screw symbolizes the opening 
of the night, in this our lodge. (Lord High Executioner 
moves dawn L.) Honorable Prime Minister, with what 
should the work of a lodge of Punk be conducted ? 

H. P. M. With Punctilious Ceremony. 

King. What is '' Punctilious Ceremony" ? 

H. P. M. Chiefly punk, O Sire. 

King. Your Royal Highness, Prince of Jolliers, in what 
lies the strength of the Royal Court of Punk ? 



12 A ROYAL INITIATION 

P. O. J. In humility and fear. 

King. What kind of fear ? 

P. O. J. Kimosphere. 

King. Lord High Executioner and Errand Boy, you will 
repair at once to the Honorable Supreme Treasurer and see 
if he can raise the wind. 

(Lord High Executioner goes to Honorable Supreme 
'I'reasurer, holds a whispered conversation, and returns 
to throfie.^ 

L. H. E. Your Supreme Majesty, the Honorable Supreme 
Treasurer reports that the North wind is stilled and a dead 
cahn pervades the South and West. Nevertheless, he is 
still able to present you with a litde of the yeast. 

(^Presents -a yeast cake.') 

King. A yeast cake ? Not enough for my present pur- 
pose. I may need it some time when I want to raise the 
dough. Lord High Executioner, it is incumbent upon me 
that I ask you to do some more repairing, — this time to the 
outer world, where the air is fresher. Journey through 
Egypt to the country where Dreamwold is situated and see 
if you can borrow some wind from Thomas Lawson (or 
other character) ; he is always ready to blow himself, — and 
blow. (Lord High Executioner exits, c. A great bang- 
ing and whistling is heard and 'Lokd High Executioner 
enters with six blown up paper bags, labeled, *' IVind." 
Advances to throne,— falls on the way, exploding a bag.) 
How were you able to return so soon ? 

L. H. E. I had gone but a little way on my journey when 
I met the Mayor of Boston {or some local character), and out 
of his abundance of wind he gave me this. 

King. It is well. {Takes a bag.) You may present a 
round of ammunition to the other officers. (Lord High 
Executioner passes a bag to each. All stand.) Do as I 
do. {Holds a bag to mouth.) One, two, three, — in-hale. 
{All gradually collapse bags.) Signs, officers and princes 
of the Royal Court of Punk. {Each officer produces a sign 
from behind his chair, displays it to the audience, and hangs 
it on a nail on the wall in the rear of the stage. Sig7is 7nay 
be marked: ^^ Rooms to Refit,'* ^'' No Trespassing,"" ''It 



A ROYAL INITIATION 



13 



IVorks While You Sleep,'' ''Keep Off the Grass,'' '' Votes 
for Women, " < ' Safety First, " * ' Beware of the Bull, ' ' etc. ) 
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, — all those who have petitions to 
present to His Majesty and the princes of the Royal Court 
of Punk, draw near, present your cause and ye shall be heard. 

1 now declare Lodge of the Royal Court of Punk legally 

open for the transactions of such business as we are obliged 
to do or lose our character. 

L. H. E. It won't be legal unless you see John Doe. 
( Or some local lawyer. ) 

{All sit except Lord High Executioner, who stands on 
King's right.) 

King. Honorable Supreme Secretary, your report? 

Secretary's Report. 

The sixteen thousand eleven hundred and thirty-first reg- 
ular meeting of the Lodge of the Royal Court of 

Punk was holden in the palace, Wednesday evening, Febru- 
ary the 30th, 19 — . 

His Supreme Majesty was in his bed, suffering from a 
"hang-over" from the night before, when he sat opposite 
to a royal flush. The chair was occupied pro tem. by His 
Royal Highness, the Prince of Jolliers. 

Minutes of the previous meeting were omitted, the Secre- 
tary having left his watch at his uncle's. 

The Treasurer reported the usual deficit and the Chair 
advised greater activity in securing new members. 

Chairman of Charity Committee, believing that ''charity 
begins at home," stayed there but sent in his report, which 
showed an expense of 37 cents for charity, mostly for 
postage. 

Chair gave this committee a scathing rebuke for its want 
of economy. 

Entertainment Committee reported a highly successful 
tango party at {local place), with 180 couples pres- 
ent and only 140 arrests. Receipts, $3.21. Expenditures, 
^162.87. Committee given a rising vote of thanks and the 
suggestion that another dance be given in the near future. 

Seventeen applications for membership were received, all 
of which were black-balled. 

One candidate was taken half through the initiation cere- 



lA A ROYAL INITIATION 

monies and then given the hook, as the Treasurer found that 
the ten dollar bill he had given was *' stage money." 

Meeting closed in bad form at two a. m. 

Attest : 

(^Nmne here. ) 

Hon. Sup. Sec. 

King. A good report. We will declare it accepted, if 
there are no corrections or objections. Honorable Supreme 
Treasurer and General Collector of Graft, are you ready 
with your report ? 

H. S. T. {advaiicing to throne^. This, Sire, is my report. 
{Drops an electric lamp in bag, exploding it.) Busted ! 

King. A bomb report. We feared our Treasurer had 
become an Anarchist. In the place of a better report we 
will consider the Treasurer's report accepted, if there are no 
objections. As none of the members of the various commit- 
tees are present we will dispense with their reports. Hon- 
orable Supreme Secretary, have we any names to ballot on 
this evening ? 

H. S. S. We have one. Sire, — that of John Doe. {Or 
local name. ) 

King. What, — that fellow up again ? I thought the 
committee had turned him down seventeen times already? 

H. S. S. Eighteen, Sire, but this time he bribed the 
committee. This is his application. {Reads.) 

Name. John Doe. 

Age. Ninety-seven. 

Business. Nobody's. 

Reason for applying. To have an excuse to stay out 
nights. 

Financial condition. Good, but all in his wife's name. 

King. Lord High Executioner, prepare the ballot-box. 
Officers and princes of the Court of Punk, remember that 
this is a serious occasion and cast your ballots with due de- 
liberation. (Lord High Executioner takes box from table 
and passes it to King, 7vho drops cnbe.) Remember that 
one cube rejects and three balls elect. (Lord High Exe- 
cutioner passes the box and all drop cubes. Returns to 
throne and drops box in handing it to the King.) Pick 
them up. Where are the balls ? 

L. H. E. There are none, — and there were not enough 
cubes to go around. 

King. Then, in view of the abundance of cubes and the 



A ROYAL INITIATION I5 

entire absence of <* spheres," we will lay {candidate' s 

name) under the table until the next meeting, when at least 
one of his friends may be present, that is, if he has one, to 
give him a ball, — out of compliment. (Lord High Exe- 
cutioner puts box back 07i the table. Moves up c. Can- 
didate now kfiocks at door, L.) Hark, a sound 1 hear. 

L. H. E. Did you ever hear a ''silence"? 

King. It is a knock. 

L. H. E. This is a great town for knockers. 

King. It is a knock on the door. 

L. H. E. Where should it be ? On the roof? 

King. Cut out the funny stuff. See who it is who dares 
to disturb the dignity of this serious assembly. 

L. H. E. Probably it is {local name). He 

would disturb the dignity of a funeral. {Goes to door, l., 
kicks aside the brace, looks out and says, '■^ No ice to-day. ^^ 
Holds parley with Candidate, returns and advatices to 
throne.) Your Supreme Majesty, there is a Candidate 
without. 

King. Without what ? 

L. H. E. Brains, or he wouldn't be there. 

King. Is he without money ? 

L. H. E. He is. It is now in the hands of our Honor- 
able Supreme Treasurer. 

King. Did you search him thoroughly? 

L, H. E. He did not need to be searched. He says his 
wife did it before he left home. 

King. You may return and with the necessary assistance 
further prepare the Candidate for his reception. 

(Lord High Executioner goes outside, l., for moment, 
comes in and stands by the door. A hat, shoes, coat, vest, 
collar are passed through to him. Returfis with the7n to 
the throne.) 

L. H. E. I have here the greater part of the Candi- 
date's clothing. How shall I dispose of it ? 

King. Pass the hat. The Royal Director of Music can 
use the band. Let me see the coat. (Lord High Execu- 
tioner holds it up.) Looks as if he had been on a tear. 

L. H. E. Sire, to whom do you refer ? 

King. I did not exactly specify. If the coat fits, — put 
it on. (Lord High Executioner tries to put on the coat.) 
Stop ! What are you trying to do ? 



l6 A ROYAL INITIATION 

L. H. E. Put it on. How can I tell if the coat fits 
before I put it on ? I think its usefulness is in the past, 
anyway. 

King. "The past" is right. Give it to me, also the 
shoes. I can use them at the coming wedding of the Crown 
Prince. What shall we do with the " westcut " ? 

L. H. E. The "westcut"? Send it to the West, of 
course. But there yet remain the collar and tie. 

(Passes them up.) 

King. The collar looks somewhat discolored. {Holds 
up collar.') The tie is a rag. I'll heave them over among 
the rubber boots, old bottles and umbrellas in the palace 
back yard. (^Throws them behind him.) Return and fur- 
ther prepare the Candidate for his reception. 

(Lord High Executioner returns to door, l. Loud noises 
are heard. Lord High Executioner reiurtis with a 
bundle of clothing.) 

L. H. E. Here's all I could get off him, Your Majesty. 

King. He seems like a desperate character. 
• L. H. E. We'll soon fix that, Your Majesty. {Goes 
outside, L. A scream is heard, and Lord High Execu- 
tioner returns with a tooth held in a pair of gas pliers.) 
One of the Candidate's teeth, Sire. What shall I do 
with it ? 

King. Give it to me. We can raise three dollars on the 
crown. Crowns to the Crown, you know. Return and 
further prepare the Candidate for his reception. 

(Lord High Executioner goes to door, l., and returns 
with a bunch of false hair and a sfnall pill- box.) 

L. H. E. The Candidate's hair and beard, finger and 
toe nails. Sire. 

King. The hair will do to stuff a pillow for the royal 
couch and the Royal Architect can use the nails. 

(Lord High Executioner ^^^fj- out, l., and returns imme- 
diately. ) 

L. H. E. The Candidate is now prepared. 
King. Admit the Candidate as he is, and conduct him 
to the proper officers for inspection. (Lord High Execu- 



A ROYAL INITIATION 



17 



TIONER ^^oes out, L., a?iiil returns with Candidate. Candi- 
date is covered with a sheet. Two ' ' Guards ' ' follow the 
goatj which has lantern attached to tail. They advance a 
few feet.) Halt! Go back and wipe your feet. (Lord 
High Executioner dusts of CA'^mT>A:vE's feet with feather 
duster. They proceed a little further. ) Halt ! Wayfarer, 
who art thou ? 

L. H. E. {for Candidate). A weary pilgrim from a 
city of sobs and sadness. 

King. Where are you going? 

L. H. E. {singing). 1 don't know where I am going, 
but I'm on my way. 

King. What do you carry with you ? 

L. H. E. Only my nerve and a borrowed sheet. 

King. What are you looking for? 

L. H. E. Just a little friendly smile. 

King. Your answers are good and your journey through 
the Kingdom of Punk will not be unnecessarily impeded. I 
exact of you a serious promise that all the mysteries of the 
Royal Court of Punk which shall be revealed to you to-night 
shall be kept a secret within your breast, — or wherever you 
keep such things. Executioner, stand ready with the axe. 
Without any physical force or mental influence being ap- 
plied to you whatever, but entirely of your own volition, 
free of extraneous coercion or persuasion, — are you ready 
to make this promise? Guards, prepare the branding-iron. 
{Guards brandish tongs.') The proper officers will prepare 
the Candidate. (Lord High Executioner causes goat to 
be wheeled down c. and Candidate is required to face the 
throne^ both hands resting on goat's back. King advances 
down c. to Candidate, whose hands he clasps over goat.) 
Pronounce your name in full (if you are not too full to pro- 
nounce your name) and repeat after me : 

I, {local name), being of legal age of consent, 

sound disposing mind and believing myself at the point of 
death, — do scaredly promise, with all my own strength, — 
together with the strength of the sacred beast above whom I 
stand, that I will not expose the secret workings of this 
lodge to any man, woman, child, bird, beast, fish, flesh, 
fowl, insect, flower, vegetable or Bull Moose, excepting 
always my wife, who has ways of finding out everything for 
herself, if I don't tell her. 

1 also covenant and agree to obey my superior ofiicers in 



l8 A ROYAL INITIATION 

this Royal Court of Punk with the same hearty respect and 
strict obedience which I give and accord to my mother-in- 
law. 

I also covenant and agree not to flirt with the wife, 
mother, daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, grandmother, great- 
grandmother, stepmother, or stenographer of a brother Prince 
of Punk, — unless the same be duly qualified. 

In case of my resigning, welching, squealing or backing 
down on this, my free will, act and deed, I will willingly 
and with repentant heart accept an awful punishment for 
luy horrid treachery. Yours truly. 



King. {local naf?ie), what is your one grand 

hope? 

Candidate. To get out of this alive. 

King. Have you aught of guilt upon your mind? Is 
your conscience clear? 

Candidate. Alas, it is not. 

King. What, then, do you most fear ? 

Candidate. Exposure. 

King. To teach you the vanity of mental desires, your 
fear shall be realized and your hope denied. Executioner, 
expose the Candidate and stand ready with the axe. (Lord 
High Executioner grasps the Candidate, who struggles. 
Lord High Executioner tears off sheet and mask, expos- 
ing Candidate /;/ ^' freak costume y^ Have no fear. You 
have passed the first great test and are now, in effect, a 
prince of the Royal Court of Punk. In order that you may 
recognize a brother should you meet him in your travels, 1 
will now instruct you in certain signs by which the identifi- 
cation may be made certain. {Aside.) Executioner, re- 
move the goat. His further presence is not desired. (Lord 
High Executioner draws the goat up l. King continues 
with Candidate.) Stand back three paces, observe me 
closely, — and imitate. When you meet one whom you 
wish to hail as a brother Prince of Punk stop, — place your 
hands on the pit of your stomach, as if in pain, — bend low, 
exclaiming at the same time, '*0h ! " {Goes through the 
actions.) If he be a prince, he will immediately respond 
by striking himself a sharp blow, back of his right ear, with 
the right hand, — exclaiming at the same time, ''Be!" 
Just at this point be on your guard, for, if he be not a 
prince, he will be liable to strike you the sharp blow, — under 



A ROYAL INITIATION 



19 



the chin. Your response will be by waving your hat in a 
joyful manner above your head, saying at the same time, 
''Jolly." Then you will both repeat in unison, "Oh, be 
Jolly." Having given the signs, dash around the block 
until in a violent perspiration. If you will then stand in 
front of an open window for a few minutes you will get the 
grippe. Lord High Executioner, Errand Boy and Con- 
ductor, you may accompany the Candidate on the next 
stage of his journey, which will be to the Honorable Prime 
Minister and Royal Surgeon, — for the medical examination. 

(Lord High Executioner secures s:;oat mid leads the pro- 
cession, passing first to Prince of Jolliers.) 

P. O. J. Halt ! Proceed no further. Your tail-light 
is extinguished. Here is a match. {Hands Lord High 
Executioner match to light lanter?i on rear of goat. ^ I 
confiscate the beast in the name of the law. 

L. H. E. {to Candidate). There ! I told you they'd 
get your goat. 

{Proceeds with procession and Candidate to Honorable 
Prime Minister, leaving goat ttp l.) 

H. P. M. In accordance with my duty as Royal Surgeon 
in this Court of Punk, it is now necessary that I subject you 
to a rigid examination — principally directed to ascertaining 
the exact physiological condition of your five senses. You 
may cross to the other side of the room. (Candidate goes 
dowfi L. Honorable Prime Minister holds up test card.^ 
Can you read those letters? {Cai^bid ate fails to read.) 
Step nearer. (Candidate approaches two-thirds and still 
fails.^ Come here. (Candidate comes to sta?id in front 
of Honorable Prime Minister and still fails. Honora- 
ble Prime Minister then holds card agaifist Candidate's 
nose, but he still is ufiable to read. ) I will give you one 
more chance; cross to the other side of the room. (Hon- 
orable Prime Minister holds up a dollar bill.) What is 
that? 

Candidate. A dollar bill. 

H. P. M. What is the number? 

Candidate. 533,432,789. 

H. P. M. Correct; your sight is good enough for all 
practical purposes. I never saw a man who couldn't tell a 



20 A ROYAL INITIATION 

dollar bill in the dark. Executioner, advance with the Can- 
didate. I wish to test his hearing. (Candidate adva?ices 
R. Honorable Prime Minister blows a horn in Candi- 
date's ^^r.) Can you hear that? 

Candidate. No. 

H. P. M. {blowifig horn in other ear). Can you hear 
that ? 

Candidate. No. 

H. P. M. {in ordinary to?ie). What's " yours " ? 

Candidate. Well, a httle of the same, if you please. 

H. P. M. *' Hearing" is good, after all. {Strikes the 
Candidate a sharp blow.) Did you ''feel" that? 

Candidate. Pd show you if 1 had you outside. 

H. P. M. You don't feel very good, but Pll let you pass. 
(^Hands a clove to Candidate.) Eat that ; what is it ? 

Candidate. A clove. 

H. P. M. Is the taste familiar? 

Candidate. It is not ; 1 never ate one before. 

H. P. M. How did you recognize it ? 

Candidate. By the pictures in the botany. 

H. P. M. Taste is good. I now present you with this 
piece of Limberger cheese. What does it smell like ? 

Candidate. Like a rat ten days old. Try it. 

H. P. M. Your ''smell " is good, but it won't be for a 
week. You have now passed tlie medical test with satisfac- 
tion to me, and, we trust, with some benefit to yourself. 
Proceed on your journey. 

(Lord High Executioner leads Candidate to throne.) 

King. You have proved yourself to be sound in body, 
but a sound body is of little use unless it harbors a sound 
mind. You will be reconducted to the Honorable Prime 
Minister, where a mental test consisting of several different 
problems which you must correctly answer will be required 
of you. 

(Candidate moved up stage in front of the Honorable 
Prime Minister.) 

H. P. M. In accordance with my further duties as Prime 
Minister and Chief Inquisitor in this Royal Court of Punk, 
it is incumbent upon me that I ask you, — How old was 
Anne? 

Candidate. I don't know. I never asked her. 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

GRADUATION DAY AT W^OOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in Two Acts, by Ward Macauley. For six 
males and four females, with several minor parts. Time of 
playing, two hours. Modern costumes. Simple interior scenes; 
may be presented in a hall without scenery. The unvisual com- 
bination of a real "entertainment," including music, recitations, 
etc., with an interesting love story. The graduation exercises 
include short speeches, recitations, songs, funny interruptions,' 
and a comical speech by a country school trustee^ Price, 15 
cents. 

EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in One Act, by Ward Macauley. Eight male 
and six female characters, with minor parts. Plays one hour. 
Scene, an easy interior, or may be given without scenery. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Miss Marks, the teacher, refuses to marry a 
trustee, who threatens to discharge her. The examination in- 
cludes recitations and songs, and brings out many funny answers 
to questions. At the close Robert Coleman, an old lover, claims 
the teacher. Very easy and very effective. Price, 15 cents. 

BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
tainment in Three Acts, by Ward Macauley. For four male 
and five female characters, with some supers. Time, two hours. 
Two scenes, both easy interiors. Can be played effectively with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. All the principal parts are 
sure hits. Quigley Higginbotham, known as "Quig," a clerk in 
a country store, aspires to be a great author or singer and 
decides to try his fortunes in New York. The last scene is in 
Quig's home. He returns a failure but is offered a partnership 
in the country store. He pops the question in the midst of a 
surprise party given in his honor. Easy to do and very funny. 
Price, 15 cents. 

THE DISTRICT CONVENTION. A Farcical Sketch 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For eleven males and one 
female, or twelve males. Any number of other parts or super- 
numeraries may be added. Plays forty-live minutes. No special 
scenery is required, and the costumes and properties are all 
easy. The play shows an uproarious political nominating con- 
vention. The climax comes when a woman's rights cham- 
pion, captures the convention. There is a great chance to bur- 
lesque modern politics and to work in local gags. Every 
part will make a hit. Price, 15 cents. 

SI SLOCUM'S COUNTRY STORE. An Entertainment 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eleven male and five female 
characters with supernumeraries. Several parts may be doubled. 
Plays one hour. Interior scane, or may be played without set 
scenery. Costumes, modern. The rehearsal for an entertain- 
ment in the village church gives plenty of opportunity for 
specialty work. A very jolly entertainment of the sort adapted 
to almost any place or occasion. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, "Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," "Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 
planned a birthday surprise party for Mary Brinkley, recently 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs, 
conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, which surprises 
the surprisers. The entertainment is a sure success. Price, 15 cents^ 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 
character has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 
many rich parts, and fast fun throughout. Price, 15 cents. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
Act, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
characters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
ling-gun stream of rollicking repartee. Price, 15 cents. 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 
Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OLD MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the w^ay of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. Price, 25 cents. 

BARGAIN DAY AT BLOOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. . Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
fun from start to finish. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two Acts, 
by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time in 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- 
ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- 
sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. 
When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that 
the physician is a female practitioner. Price, 15 cents. 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank 
DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirty minutes. Costumes, 
fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior. A grand expose 
of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, 
and they institute a similar organization. Price, 15 cents. 

A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For seven female char- 
acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, one 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interiors and one street 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living^ with her aunt, Miss 
Skinflint. She decides to "attain a commanding position." 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work and 
school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. Price, 15 
cents. 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters. 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Costumes, modern. 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they must win 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. 
Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel tells her. 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another 
friend and so the secret travels. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment. Price 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Ihe Power oi iiiiif Mi 




Expression and efficiency go han _^ 

The power of clear and forceful e.vpi^^^.^-- ^29 g^ 
dcnce and poise at all times — in private gatherings, in public 
discussion, in society, in business. 

It is an invaluable asset to any man or woman. It can often 
be turned into money, but it is always a real joy. 

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thought itself, and thought is power. You can have this 
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Whoever has the power of clear expression is always sure 
of himself. 

The power of expression leads to: 

The ability to think "on your feet" 

Successful public speaking 

Effective recitals 

The mastery over other minds 

Social prominence 

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Are these things worth while? 

They are all successfully taught at The National School of 
Elocution and Oratory, which during many years has de- 
veloped this power in hundreds of men and women. 

A catalogue giving full information as to how any of these 
accomplishments may be attained will be sent free on request. 

THE NATIONAL SCHOOL OF 
ELOCUTION AND ORATORY 

Parkway Building Philadelphia 



